Ok so I know it's probably not cool to post 2 days in a row, but I am still excited about this whole blog thing. I had a really good day today, which does not happen to me often lately on a sunday. First of all, people actually commented on my blog! I seriously thought no one would notice or care, so that gave me warm fuzzies. . .
In case you don't know, and you probably don't, I am completely and utterly shy. Well, shy is not necessarily the word because I can be outspoken at times. I would say that I probably have undiagnosed social anxiety disorder, undiagnosed only because I refuse to go to the doctor. {FYI--most nurses are this way. We don't like going to the doctor because we know how little they listen sometimes}. Anyway, I get completely stressed out before I go to church or any church function whatsoever. I become this shell of my true self whenever I am at these things. I feel like everyone is looking down on me and ignoring me purposefully. I sometimes can sit on a bench by myself and no one will sit by me. I feel unworthy, ugly, and alone. I become completely introverted and even if you talk to me, I have no idea what to say for fear that I will say something stupid. So for those of you that thought I was just a snob, it's not true. I am scared.
So for these reasons, I have not been great at attending church. But, I have decided to turn over a new leaf. I have finally decided that people don't purposefully do anything hurtful. I decided that if I want to fit in at church, I have to be proactive. So today, despite knots in my stomach, I said a prayer. I asked for help to be able to feel like I fit in in the ward and the ability to make some friends there. And He answered me. I got the feeling that I should try to be more like my hubby, who is always chatty and knows everyone. This seemed impossible, but I guess if I want an answer from God, I should follow his counsel. So, I took the time to say hi to people, and if I didn't know someone, I asked who they were and introduced myself. I forced myself to have conversations with people and ask how they were. It was so out of the ordinary for me, but it felt great! We even went over to someone's for dinner tonight that I had never even met before. . . all because I talked.
All of this probably seems retarded, but for me it is a big deal. I think I feel that I don't measure up to everyone else, and that they are thinking it too. Like I have "doesn't belong here" posted on my forehead.. But I've GOT to just keep trying or else I will not ever feel differently. I think today I learned that it's all up to ME and no one else. And with His help I can do it. So thank you to those people who smiled at me today and talked to me and commented on my blog. You really made someone's day. I just hope I can return the favor.
9 comments:
First of all, it's cool to post as much and as often as you want, we love to read and see new pictures... second, what's so great about blogging is that you get to "see" the real side of people...friends, co-workers, church members, family...and connect on a level you wouldn't or couldn't because of whatever! I love seeing people in their busy lives, and sharing mine with them and third, I'm really proud of you, I never knew. You sound alot like Aubrey's husband, he feels the same way in a sense, and you really not only made a huge step in moving forward for yourself, but you have probably made a difference in someones life and helped someone else by what you wrote...so a big congratulations! I can't wait to see you all.
Thank you for being willing to share your struggle. I learn the most from people who are willing to be honest and real! I'm pretty sure most of us feel the same way as you at church. I always feel inadequate and underliked. My way of dealing with it is to put myself out there almost to the point of embarassing myself. I still leave most social functions feeling like everyone thinks I'm an idiot. But I've finally decided it takes too much energy to be anyone but myself. All I ever think when I see you at church is, "That Jamee Tate is so pretty!"
On Sunday when we chatted briefly, I thought to myself, "Jamee has a little spring in her step--good for her!" So your inspired plan is working out marvelously!!
I love your blog--I'm glad to learn new things about you. Everyone feels shy and out of place sometimes; especially as women we wither compare ourselves or we are too hard on ourselves. So I think it is great that you are trying something that is hard for you.
I'm looking forward to more posts!
Oh my gosh, I get sick thinking about going to church and other functions most of the time!! But you better come Sunday because I'm giving a talk, and I'll feel stupid b/c I'm going to mention this aspect of myself. But, like Liz, I talk a bunch to get through it. You know, nobody asks more than, "How are you?" when I chat along as fast as I can. I think it is very brave of you to blog this. Just so you know, I have more friends now, the real kind that I feel emotionally connected to, than I have ever in my life, and it is due solely to the blog. And so you know what is coming - everybody hits a day where they freak out and want to delete the blog and hide. DO NOT DO IT! Okay, do it if you have to, but I prefer you just ride it out ;)
JAMEE!!! i'm so glad to see you out of shell! it is a scary, scary thing. i myself tried it, but it kicked me in the rear....i'm waiting for another upswing to try it again, but it might be awhile. so i am apologizing in advance if i seem not very social at church, and i don't go to many church functions unless i have my comfort zone there, which is cade, who can't go to relief society events. HOWEVER, i am SO glad you have a blog so that we can get to know each other...well, that i can get to know you, because i don't blog very often. i'm more of a facebook kind of gal. you are looking H.O.T.T. and i'm amazed at all the things you are doing with THREE kids. you're awesome. keep rockin' it.
Jamee-- the first time I met you was when you & your family came to the Waterside pool with JJ & I. It was so much fun! You are SO MUCH FUN! I've never thought you were a snob but I do want to apologize for not trying harder to be your friend. But I promise on the occasions that we have talked, I always tell myself that we need to do something together because you are a blast to talk to! And you are so talented-- seriously. I am so glad you have a blog. Like Jen said, I think blogs have created this sisterhood of support in our ward. I feel understood & close to many women. Thank you for commenting on my blog so I could see yours! Congrats on coming out of your shell! You have so much to offer so keep it up!
Hey its your neice Ashley....its AWESOME that you are blogging. I use to blog every day and then I got lazy!!! Opps and I havent posted in a while. Actually Graham was deployed to Afghanistan and then our computer crashed. He just got back from being gone for a year and our computer is fixed so I am going to start blogging again.
Thats awesome that you are in school to be a nurse practioner, I want to do that someday. Right now my name is on the waiting list to just get into school to be a RN. I CANT WAIT!!!!
Jamee, I'm soooo glad you came up to me on Sunday and talked to me... you should come over on scrapbook days.. or any other day you want (we can scrapbook anytime :) We missed you this month ;) Your blog is lookin' sooo cute. You are puttin' me to shame and giving me no excuse, since I keep telling everyone I can't squeeze in time for a blog.
Shelley
Ok Shelley I totally meant to come over and do scrapbooking but I was so dang tired from all of the clinicals I have been doing (basically working for free.. no fun) that I had my mom watch Caden and I just slept. I am so lazy! But we should definitely make a scrapbook date! And girly. . if I have time for a blog everyone does!! lol
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